I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
