she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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