I looked at my own cervix.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize