Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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