you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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