member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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