How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
