Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
