Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
