I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
