Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize