does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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