...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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