I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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