four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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