How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
