you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
