We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
