So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
