its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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