there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize