She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
