New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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