So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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