bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
