True but thats because hes a fetus.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
