mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
