apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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