I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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