remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
