im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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