i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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