The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
