im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
try to milk me bitch
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