i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
