I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
