we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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