you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
