I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
