I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize