i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
