The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
