Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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