So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
