3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
