Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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