so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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