Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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