Even the bartender felt bad for me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
