And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
