I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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