Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
