There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
