My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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