just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
