Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
