On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize