There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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